Day 4: Snarling Tigers and Sputtering Euro Wives

Heading to the Tiger Temple today. Tom warns: DON’T WEAR RED, ORANGE, OR YELLOW to Tiger Temple. (Reason: Tigers eat people wearing red, orange, or yellow.)

Sammi shows up to Almost Famous bus wearing yellow. Lesley wears orange. Alternate clothing arranged.

On the drive, Tom the Tour Guide tells story about jogging the previous night when he was chased by a dog. “It was not Thai dog, it was giant Euro dog.” And there you go.

First stop: A boat ride to the Bat Cave. Many steep steps to the top -- helpers for Yi and Tha. Unlike other caves, this one was HOT -- or more accurately, humid. Hazards: Very slippery. Low hanging rocks. Bats. Tha refusing help. Overweight Euros in Speedos.

Ben bought a slingshot and shot Jake.

Boys in the parking lot were playing a cool game we saw on TV -- like a combination of soccer and volleyball. Kick the ball back and forth without using hands -- just head, feet, knees.

Off to the Tiger Temple, where monks care for tigers. Endangered cats supported by tourists like us who pay a fee to have their pictures taken with them. At first, Matt, Leslie, Yi nervous but all decide to take pictures.

One person in each group was chosen to put the tiger’s head in their lap for the picture -- because where else would you want a potentially ferocious feline’s head except in your crotch?

Ben volunteered to be one of the lucky ones until he saw a handler with horrific bite scars up and down his arm. He then passed the honor to Jay.

Matt, after trying to get out of the whole deal, also opted for a lapful of snarling tiger jaws. (Reality: the tigers barely seemed awake.)

On the way out, stopped at Happy Room where you were instructed to remove shoes and wear sandals. Ben did -- unfortunately, he put on another visitor’s sandals.

It’s not like there was a sign stating WHICH sandals to wear.

Ben’s apology was not accepted by the sputtering Euro wife of the man whose sports sandals were spoiled. We’re sure she’s still sputtering.

Train ride. Souvenirs.

Short stop at roadside market where Ben purchases belt and swimming suit with cartoons of fat Japanese men on them.

Dinner featured what we’ve found to be a common soundtrack on our trip: American pop songs. A weird mix of Bon Jovi, Abba, and the theme from “Bob the Builder.”

Hotel that night: The movie “Taken,” in English, inexplicably with mangled English subtitles. Very hilarious for all, but Sammi made to leave the room when Liam Neesom started stabbing people in the chest. Example:

Liam: If this is the game you want to play, I’m raising the price ten percent.

Subtitle: If game is this, I raise you ten Zen plants.

Day 3: Mommy, Where Does Sugar Come From?

We start the day at the Train Market -- a street market literally set up on train tracks. When the train comes, the merchants do some ninja disassembling of their shop, then just as quickly reassemble back into sell mode. The children disappointed we wouldn’t let them get hit by the train.

An early highlight is a boat ride where we meet many friendly people who live on the canal. Apparently, quite content to have us floating through their backyards.

We stop at a floating market where we sample coconut juice and tiny bananas.

Then to a local (non-floating) sugar factory. Step one: Climb bamboo ladder and hack at coconut root with machete. Catch the juice. (Sammi, Ben, Jake, and THA climbed the bamboo ladder) Step two: Juice is boiled in a big pot. Then again. Then again. Then again. Finally, into a mixer where it has solidified into something like sugary taffy. Everyone got sample of different sweet stuff -- sugary! The Thai women were fascinated by Sammi and wanted to steal her (her pale skin, which she inherited from her beautiful white father). The owner of the joint said Jake’s Thai was very clear.

Lunch was at a floating restaurant where the children fed huge pieces of pork to huge pork-eating fish. Sammi and Ben buy small clay statue of a peeing boy. (Fill him with hot water and he really pees!) Alexa buys one for Asa.

The restaurant is on the River Kwai and most of the family does the Alec Guiness thing and crosses the bridge. Because it is rickety, Dad and Jake shop for sunglasses, CDs (top American hits $3!) bracelets (Jake got three for 120 baht -- about $1.50). A DJ was in the square playing live music including “Islands in the Stream," and "It Never Rains in Southern California.”

A street vendor scolds Katy for saying “I’ll think about it” -- just say no so you don’t get hopes up.

Next up was the River Kwai museum where we learned what happened to American, British, and Aussie POWs during WW II. Like the scene in Spinal Tap where they visit Graceland -- a little too much perspective.

Outside the museum, we met cocks and Beezus the dog. Several dogs follow Matt like he was wearing Snausage socks.

The kids finally get to hit a swimming pool. Apparently, it's unlike any we have in America.

Exhausted dinner at 8 - weird burgers, weird pizza.

Day 2: Electric Boogaloo

We start with a walk through the Flower Market. There's a singing street vendor! I hum along because I don't know the words.

We have lunch at a Chinese restaurant across the street from where the government fights the protesters.

Bangkok constant: Crazy traffic with people on motorbikes moving in and out of lanes. Often between lanes. According to Tom, “If you buy your son a motorcycle, might as well buy a coffin.”

Grand Palace - so much gold. We see a Reclining Buddha the size of several football fields. Several places to take off shoes.

Lesson learned: DO NOT POINT YOUR FEET AT THE BUDDHA.

Also learned that “Happy Room” means bathroom.

Street vendors put lots of hats on Matt's head as we left. “Mai ow!” means "I don't want that" in Thai and is the best defense.

In Chinatown, we found goggles for Sammi and Ben. Ben started a Buddha collection, like most thirteen year olds. Tha is a good negotiator to have around. Matt found several small bottles each featuring a different image from the Kama Sutra -- couldn’t figure out where to display them at home so passed them up.

Last stop of the day was Vertigo and I was out of my mind with lack of sleep and jet lag. Rooftop restaurant about a jillion floors up with no railings. (OK, there were railings but I was tired and it seemed risky.) Beautiful view but not good for people with “Someone is going to fall off a high place” phobia.

The evening ends with a trip to 7-11. How do you get there?

Desk Clerk: Just go down that dimly lit alley.

US: Is it safe?

Desk Clerk: (pause) I don’t like it.

We took alternate route through parking lot with motorcycle gang and sleeping Doberman Pinschers. Bought water and peanuts.

Catch up!

Between spotty Internet and days featuring 6 a.m. wake-up calls/10 p.m. returns to the hotel, we've had little time to update. I have, however, been taking notes. Here we go.

DAY 1 Everyone makes it through Customs and Immigration with no problems, meaning previous sleepless night was for naught. (More on this another time.)

Our tour guide, Tom, picks us up in the bus from “Almost Famous”. Our driver is also named “Tom.” Actually, it's a slight variation ... Thom? Tum? Toom?

Although it’s 3 a.m. Thai time, everyone is famished so we walk to McDonalds. Unlike America, this one offers broccoli pie. As promised in America, Matt orders the samurai pork burger -- I’m lovin’ it!

Pass out.